![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Justifiable Homicide
Jul. 30th, 2007 11:17 pm Nothing scares me more than spiders. Nothing. There are many entries here where I speak of being so freaked out that I can barely breathe, due to an unwelcome arachnid.
I was having a great day. Pub for dinner - £12 for both of us including two lovely meals, her Coke and my delightful double vodka and mango and orange and stuff. Cheaper than cooking the same stuff at home, also avoiding the risk of being poisoned by the oven. Got my period in the pub, with a simultaneous accompanying asthma attack. 500mg of terbutaline later I'm a shaking, agitated mess. The vodka I'd consumed did not help!
Then Transformers, 'cos we had cinema vouchers. Was a tad miffed that a few cockwombles saw fit to bring toddlers to see a film that finished at half-eleven, but karma's a bitch, and now they have to explain masturbation to said fidgety nippers.
Brilliant film. Only, I'd fidgeted so much after taking terbutaline, and I'd had tramadol, that I fell asleep. Giant fucking monster-robot-aliens POW POW KA-BOOM Zzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm sure they were only microsleeps because no-one was gawking at me in a horrified "Did someine bring a pig to the pictures?" way. Also, there was no drool on my chin. Ahem.
Went home, singing all the way back (as I do, and anyway Satan has rejected my soul, and Trouble does love me, it's all relevant). I was on a promise too, wahey. Got back, played with the furry doombeasts while Lisa showered, then put them away and went to bed. I was perched on the edge of the bed transferring files onto the thumb drive when something caught my eye. This was about 2am. Please bear in mind my current visual ridiculousness, and the current cluttered state of our room. Oh yes my friends, a fucking great black shiny menacing fast-advancing Monster of Death was approaching me, and meant to kill.
A brief pause, so you can conjure up the image of a fat purple-haired mackem, wearing only a t-shirt, screaming so loud that blood bubbled up from her mouth, and made the entire house (nay, village) ring with screams that could only emanate from a murder victim. A beautiful image, yes. And I know you're thinking "Haha at least you didn't throw the laptop at it Lyns!". Oh but I fucking did, then legged it onto the landing.
Now try and imagine you had been sitting on this same bed, in your dressing gown, having just showered. You are playing a relaxing game of mobile phone Solitaire, when suddenly, your beloved starts howling like a banshee and throwing laptops around. Pffft, have no sympathy for her, she knows the drill!
Anyway, I'm on the landing, still screaming and sobbing and vomiting and..ugh. She says "What, WHAT?? Where is it?" (told you she knew the drill). I'm sobbing, and pointing. "Where? Under the laptop?" She lifted it and this fucking black brute crawled out and shot under the bed. "ARGH OH FUCK that is big, even I'm scared! It's under the bed now, just leave it, it'll be ok" Ohhh Lisa, you did not just say that. Recommence screaming in 3...2...1.... So she dutifully hops onto the floor, and squishes it. Normally she wouldn't, but the laptop had done it severe damage. Meanwhile, I'm still on the landing in tears, refusing to come back into the room. The rabbits were going mental, because the screaming had scared and annoyed them. They stamped and growled for a whole hour, and only stopped when I threw food at them.
About half an hour later, after being convinced to go back in the room, I became convinced it had laid eggs or was only a baby and it's much bigger parent would appear, probably during sex. Did some terrified Googling (ever tried reading about something that terrifies you?) half trying to convince myself I would be ok, half trying to convince her it was probably poisonous and was after my blood.
"Put the laptop down, now. You are shaking, and you won't sleep"
She was right you know. Spent all night sweating, too terrified to open a window or let any bit of me peek out from under the duvet in case something black, and white, and evil attacked me.
I'd assumed my hysterical screams (still can't talk today btw) would've woken the boys next door, as their room adjoins ours. They slept through it, but Paul's dreams were, at one point, suddenly filled with distinctive looking spiders. Sorry Paul, my brain-Bluetooth musta been switched on!
I've spent all of today a terrified, panicky mess. Saw some dryer fluff hanging from a shirt today and nearly had a heart attack! I must be descended from some race of people who lived among deadly arachnids. I must. I can't just be an irrational, hormonal muppet, can I?
I was having a great day. Pub for dinner - £12 for both of us including two lovely meals, her Coke and my delightful double vodka and mango and orange and stuff. Cheaper than cooking the same stuff at home, also avoiding the risk of being poisoned by the oven. Got my period in the pub, with a simultaneous accompanying asthma attack. 500mg of terbutaline later I'm a shaking, agitated mess. The vodka I'd consumed did not help!
Then Transformers, 'cos we had cinema vouchers. Was a tad miffed that a few cockwombles saw fit to bring toddlers to see a film that finished at half-eleven, but karma's a bitch, and now they have to explain masturbation to said fidgety nippers.
Brilliant film. Only, I'd fidgeted so much after taking terbutaline, and I'd had tramadol, that I fell asleep. Giant fucking monster-robot-aliens POW POW KA-BOOM Zzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm sure they were only microsleeps because no-one was gawking at me in a horrified "Did someine bring a pig to the pictures?" way. Also, there was no drool on my chin. Ahem.
Went home, singing all the way back (as I do, and anyway Satan has rejected my soul, and Trouble does love me, it's all relevant). I was on a promise too, wahey. Got back, played with the furry doombeasts while Lisa showered, then put them away and went to bed. I was perched on the edge of the bed transferring files onto the thumb drive when something caught my eye. This was about 2am. Please bear in mind my current visual ridiculousness, and the current cluttered state of our room. Oh yes my friends, a fucking great black shiny menacing fast-advancing Monster of Death was approaching me, and meant to kill.
A brief pause, so you can conjure up the image of a fat purple-haired mackem, wearing only a t-shirt, screaming so loud that blood bubbled up from her mouth, and made the entire house (nay, village) ring with screams that could only emanate from a murder victim. A beautiful image, yes. And I know you're thinking "Haha at least you didn't throw the laptop at it Lyns!". Oh but I fucking did, then legged it onto the landing.
Now try and imagine you had been sitting on this same bed, in your dressing gown, having just showered. You are playing a relaxing game of mobile phone Solitaire, when suddenly, your beloved starts howling like a banshee and throwing laptops around. Pffft, have no sympathy for her, she knows the drill!
Anyway, I'm on the landing, still screaming and sobbing and vomiting and..ugh. She says "What, WHAT?? Where is it?" (told you she knew the drill). I'm sobbing, and pointing. "Where? Under the laptop?" She lifted it and this fucking black brute crawled out and shot under the bed. "ARGH OH FUCK that is big, even I'm scared! It's under the bed now, just leave it, it'll be ok" Ohhh Lisa, you did not just say that. Recommence screaming in 3...2...1.... So she dutifully hops onto the floor, and squishes it. Normally she wouldn't, but the laptop had done it severe damage. Meanwhile, I'm still on the landing in tears, refusing to come back into the room. The rabbits were going mental, because the screaming had scared and annoyed them. They stamped and growled for a whole hour, and only stopped when I threw food at them.
About half an hour later, after being convinced to go back in the room, I became convinced it had laid eggs or was only a baby and it's much bigger parent would appear, probably during sex. Did some terrified Googling (ever tried reading about something that terrifies you?) half trying to convince myself I would be ok, half trying to convince her it was probably poisonous and was after my blood.
"Put the laptop down, now. You are shaking, and you won't sleep"
She was right you know. Spent all night sweating, too terrified to open a window or let any bit of me peek out from under the duvet in case something black, and white, and evil attacked me.
I'd assumed my hysterical screams (still can't talk today btw) would've woken the boys next door, as their room adjoins ours. They slept through it, but Paul's dreams were, at one point, suddenly filled with distinctive looking spiders. Sorry Paul, my brain-Bluetooth musta been switched on!
I've spent all of today a terrified, panicky mess. Saw some dryer fluff hanging from a shirt today and nearly had a heart attack! I must be descended from some race of people who lived among deadly arachnids. I must. I can't just be an irrational, hormonal muppet, can I?
