Gender Wars

[paraxeni]

What is to be gained by undermining a woman based on her looks? "Ugh she's manly" or "She looks like a bad drag queen, how DARE she be a woman!" or "What a gross fat blob, you'd have to roll it in flour to find the wet spot". Why ungender someone if you disagree with them? Perhaps because it's a powerful way of hurting a large group of people, especially if it's coming from other women because it sends the message that "You do not belong".

A woman is someone who is not or does not identify as a man. A man is someone who is not a woman. You can't 'do' being a woman in the 'wrong' way. You can be a FAAB (female-assigned at birth) woman or a MAAB (male-assigned at birth) woman. You can be feminine, masculine, butch, femme or andro. You can have a buzz cut or long flowing locks, you can be a trucker or a housewife, wear heels or hiking boots, be a princess, a lumberjack, a model or an engineer. None of these make you a woman, none of these make you an un-woman, or not a 'real' woman. If you identify as a woman then you are one, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. There is no incorrect manner of dress, speech, behaviour or attitude that can ever render you not-womanly. Gender policing is spiteful, demeaning, misogynistic and wrong. If someone has a hateful belief then there are ways and means to call them on it without ungendering or misgendering them. I've been labelled as 'not womanly' because I'm a lesbian, because I do not wish to bear children, because I refuse to shave or slavishly follow some warped ideal of 'femininity'. But I am a woman, and that can't be taken from me. I'm no more or less womanly than the married housewife with 8 kids, or the butch-dyke darts player, or the MAAB femme with a penis and a penchant for crochet. Poverty and lack of resources or access to medical care do not make women unwomanly, just as make-up, jewellery or designer-label clothes don't make them more womanly.

The same goes for manhood.

There are so many beautiful, brilliant and creative ways to express our humanity, as many as there are people. Why label people, herd them into boxes, then lash out and hurt those who don't fit in those spaces? What's to fear? Why is it so confusing to think that not everybody follows the same paths through life? If you are so insecure in your own identity that somebody identifying in a way that you do not understand eems like a threat to you, then they're not the ones with the problem, you are. Manage your own life and relationships, stop interfering in how others manage theirs, and find your own path.

You don't have to blow out somebody elses candle to make yours burn more brightly.

Comments

[pitbullgirl65.livejournal.com]

A womans worth is determined by her looks. It makes me ill. And being called ugly or a dyke is supposed to be the worst thing ever to be called. Like I'd care if someone called me that. People like that aren't worth my getting upset over that. When it comes from other women it's a dead giveaway of insecurity on their part.
I've noticed that some so called liberals aren't as accepting of transgendered people. I don't get it! Some womens music festival here in the states doesn't allow MTF transgendered to attend. What kind of messed up bs is that?

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Oh I know all about the MichFest and their rotten "Women born Women only" policy. Puke. Like you I do not get it. You can't say "British-Born Brits only" or "You're not Native if you've never lived on a Rez" so where the fuck some people get the idea they can say "Sorry, you were born with testicles and that creeps me out, you'll never be a woman" is beyond me. How's it hurting them? Whether we like it or not we are all sisters and brothers and should be protecting and helping those who need it.

Oh and as someone who wears my dyke label with pride, I'd laugh in the face of any idiot who uses it as an insult. Like the whole fat thing going on in SFD at the moment, it's ridiculous. I'm fat. Telling me that won't change it, I can't exactly take up running at the mo, but it won't help me to say "Ugh at least I'm not a bony bitch, look at mah curves!". That's just as bad as writing someone off because they're not a size 4!

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

I have just tried to tag that clusterfuck of a post. I gave up before I ended up making a whole pile of new tags for it.

That woman's teeth are still scary, though. And her jacket.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

You are a braver woman than I for even trying to take that on!

And yeah, where do you even find clothes like that? The 80s stuff should start and end with the cast of Ashes to Ashes.

[nakedfaery.livejournal.com]

I love this post, it's something that I've noticed a lot. Just because someone doesn't fit your definition of that gender, it doesn't mean they stop being that gender!

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

I've had an idea based on that, we all need to email Gordon Brown and tell him "You're not a real PM, you're doing it wrong!" and we can unPM him. Ah I can dream.

But yeah, seriously, I can't grasp what's not to get about othering people. It's 2009 for frig's sake!

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Oh and welcome btw! :D

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

I have noticed that often, when I have a disagreement with a woman in which she has nothing to stand on, she ends it by telling me I'm ugly and don't even look like a proper woman.

I've had men say it, too, but usually it's other women.

In my mind, it's a measure of how thoroughly I have trounced her, and of how little intelligence she has.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

As usual you've nailed it! It's a poor person indeed that can't formukate a proper argument, and instead resorts to jibes about fat legs or bad roots.

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

A woman is someone who is not or does not identify as a man. A man is someone who is not a woman.

Not sure I agree with this actually, but the sentiment behind it is well-taken.

What prompted all this?

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

I know, I stupidly oversimplified that and meant to say that obviously men are men, or you can be neither, or GQ or whatever you want, but I hammered it all out in two mins in a sweating froth. It was a rant aimed at idiots who were calling a straight ciswoman a "hot tranny mess" or "an ugly guy in drag" and saying "she had no right to identify as a woman" and could not see how it was misogynist and transphobic. You can disagree with someone's ideologies without calling them an "ugly man-faced bitch". I was just so steamed up and doped up that I could hardly think straight. If I see anyone else referring to someone as 'it' my brain might finally implode under the pressure!

[maeveenroute.livejournal.com]

Aaaggh, yes.

What really bothers me is when self-proclaimed progressive feminists do this and then say that because the target isn't ideologically appropriate, it's all right. Don't know how much Ann Coulter-bashing you get in your social circles, but it's particularly fashionable to say she "looks like a tranny" and then react in horror at the thought that one might be being transphobic, because it's all right to be awful at a woman so long as she's not one of us.

Let me tell you, if you're using that kind of rhetoric, you're not part of any "us" I want to belong to, either.